i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
