When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
