I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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