I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
