but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
