i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
