Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
