I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Randomize
