You're earring is so big in my mouth
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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