I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
