I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
