This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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