3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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