We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
