so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
