go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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