last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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