First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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