Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Randomize
