the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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