If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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