I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
