She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
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Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
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You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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