i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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