we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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