if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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