i need an iv and a liver transplant
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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