is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
