Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
