Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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