Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
