she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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