y did u give ur computer a hand job?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
