Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
And then he peed in my hair
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
