Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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