dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
We have so much sex to catch up on
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
