Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
