: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
