I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
