I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
