You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
