we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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