I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
