I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
