Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
