hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
