don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
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You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
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I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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