Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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