New low: just hacked my moms facebook
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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