your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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