Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
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Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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