im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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