don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
