My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
