I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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