She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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